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The Relationship Corner

Your Relationship with YOURSELF & Your Relationship with Others

1001 Ways to Make Your Life Better

Your Self-Esteem

What is Self-esteem? Self-esteem simply put, is the opinion you have about yourself. How you feel about yourself or how you value yourself as a person. The job you do and your achievements. How you think others see you. What your purpose in life is and your place in the world. Your potential for success and your strengths and weaknesses. It may even be your social status or socioeconomic level and how you relate to others. Your independence or ability to stand on your own feet and/or whether or not you engage in codependent relationships.

According to Lynn Allison in 1001 Ways to Make Your Life Better:

From the chapter 25 ways to build your self-esteem

#13 Get out of the habit of making excuses. We all tend to apologize unnecessarily for out actions. We Weren’t feeling well… the baby was sick… it was simply a bad day. You don’t owe anybody more that the explanation of facts. Stick to them.

#10 Learn to say NO. We often lose our sense of self-esteem because we give in to unreasonable demands. Negotiate on your terms instead of always giving in to others.

Ms. Allison stated as a finial thought in her book. “Finally, as we reach the 1001^st way to make your life better, I would recommend you to choose to live a mentally, physically and emotionally healthy life. This doesn’t necessarily mean a religious life, nor does it mean that you must give up your material or career goals. Ambition and righteousness are not mutually exclusive. Living with goodness, honesty, humility and love will bring you inner peace and happiness.”

Codependency by Bev Knox

When do you now if you’ve met Mr. Wrong? Experiencing codependency in relationships is very common and should not be seen as totally pathological or problematic. It all depends on how serious and 'obsessive' the codependency is within the relationship. To say it nicely, co-dependent relationships are BAD!!! If you are in one, GET OUT now! When one or both partners live only for the other person and cannot exist without them, then intense codependency in relationships is being exhibited. This is where the suffocation process occurs.

Love By: Bruce Fisher, ED.D

You are your own best friend, and worst enemy. As you think, so shall it be. All the events in your life are there because you drew them there; what you choose to do with them is up to you. Argue for your limitations and sure enough – they’re yours. You are beautiful – inside and out!! Give to yourself what you give to others. When you stop needing to be loved so much, and it dawns on you that you are the only person who can fill the void, perhaps true freedom will prevail. It doesn’t matter what other people think about you, it only matters what you think about you. And as you think, so it is!

Letting Go Author Unknown

Letting go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else. Letting go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another. Letting go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. Letting go is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.

Letting go is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself. Letting go is not to care for, but to care about. Letting go is not to fix, but to be supportive. It’s not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

Letting go is not to be in the middle arranging the outcome, but to allow others to affect their own destinies. Letting go is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality. Letting go is not to deny, but to accept.

Letting go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. Letting go is not to adjust everything to my own desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it. Letting go is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be. Letting go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future. Letting go is to fear less and live more.

Positive Affirmations - The Dos & Donts

· You are Beautiful inside & Out

· Be flexible

· Stop dwelling on the negative

· Leave that cheating man/woman alone

· After the darkest storms comes the brightest sunshine

· Sin will have no dominion over you

· Not all things have to go your way

· Love yourself unconditionally

· Don’t let haters steal your joy

· All things work together for those who love God

· We become what we practice the most

· Always look your best even in a sweat-suit

· Start developing new positive habits

· Find your mission in life

· Choose to stay a peaceful person

· Introduce yourself to the real YOU

· Plant many seeds of faith

· Don’t get upset over things that you cannot change

· Choose to form healthy relationships only

· Always work on all areas of your pie chart

· The more you talk about negative things the worse you will feel

· When one door closes, another one opens

· Men-dogs & Women-dogs are like busses one come along 15 minutes

· A well-balanced man/woman is a keeper

· Do not have casual sex

· Change your mind set to a positive one

· Emancipate yourself from mental slavery

· Sow your seeds and expect a harvest

· Keep smiling

· Don’t be afraid of ending an unhealthy dysfunctional relationship

· Seeing equals visualization, and visualization determines your desire

· Have confidence in yourself

· Have faith in God

· Enjoy each day, everyday

· You are a beautiful Diva

· You are a unique individual, do not try to be like anyone else.

· Enjoy each day, it is a gift from God

· Stop complaining

· Adapt a new attitude

· Love and accept Yourself.

· Always give

· Say no to drugs

Rules for Being Human, Author Unknown

You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it. But it will be yours for your entire lifetime. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately succeeds. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned. There is no better than here. When your there has become a here, you will simply obtain another there that will, again, look better than here. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects you, something you love or have about yourself. What you make of life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What to do with them is up to you. The choice is yours. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

Words of Wisdom to “Rescuers” By Bruce Fisher, ED.D.

A rescuer is a person who creates relationships with someone who needs rescuing. It feels so good for the rescuer to find someone to rescue, and it feels so good for the person needing rescuing, that often the two people end up being in a committed relationship with each other; an over-responsible person in relationship with an under-responsible person. I taught about 2,000 people ending a relationship in the Rebuilding class and the majority of them described their last relationship as an over-and-under-responsible relationship.

You rescuers can easily believe you are “superior” to those who need rescuing. You believe you are doing all of these wonderful things that will get you brownie points in Heaven. It’s true the things you get done are impressive. You are doing many kind deeds to and for others. Many times you provided an environment that allowed the other person to make tremendous personal growth. However, it is helpful to realize that your rescuing is often controlling others, keeping them smaller, weaker, dependent, and unable to do things for themselves. Your need to rescue someone means you will have to keep them in a need of rescuing.

How did you become a rescuer? During your formative years, your emotional development became stunted. You stopped getting all of your needs met. You compensated by finding another little child in someone else who had also stopped growing. You began to give to them the things you were wishing someone would give to you. It made you feel better but it set up a dangerous precedent. You began being so involved in helping another that you were able to avoid looking at how much you needed to take care of yourself. You began the development of an adaptive-survivor part in order to feel better and get more of your needs met.

There are a wide variety of situations that could have encouraged you to develop a rescuer pattern of behavior. Sometimes you felt frustrated because you weren’t getting enough attention or love. Sometimes you learned you could manipulate your environment and developing adaptive behaviors. Sometimes you felt very criticized and became adaptive to feel better instead of feeling not okay. Sometimes you suffered from a lack of parenting because your parents were not around or were especially weak in parenting skills. Sometimes everyone around you were under-responsible, perhaps even in an altered state due to drugs of some sort. You learned to be an over-responsible, rescuer in order to deep your family functioning.

If you were to make a list of the many adaptive/survivor behaviors you could have chosen being a rescuer was probably the best choice you could have made. It helped you make the most of your situation. It not only helped you to get more needs met, it often was very helpful to the people around you. It worded well in your formative years. It doesn’t work as well in your adult relationships.

Relationships that are over/under often become stressful and sometimes end. Rescuers often become emotionally drained. The last stage of the relationship usually includes anger because you have given so much and received so little. You aren’t able to see your contribution to the problem. You have difficulty taking so even if they tried to give to you, you would have trouble receiving. For you, it is easier to give that to receive.

The system of interaction between the two people can become upset. Here are some examples. The couple have a baby and the rescuer is too busy with the baby to continue rescuing the partner. The rescuer finds a stronger identity by doing self-care. (This always feels selfish to rescuers when they start becoming responsible to self instead of over-responsible.) The person who is under-responsible becomes tired of being controlled and either leaves the relationship. Any one of these “upsetting-the-system behaviors” can contribute to the ending of the relationship. If asked, you can usually identify when the system began to change. This can be the beginning of the end of your relationship. It is possible to change within the relationship without it ending, but both parties have to have awareness plus good communication to do this.

Leaving the relationship will not help rescuers to change. Instead you will probably find another person needing rescuing and create another over/under relationship. The challenge is to change the relationship with yourself and learn to become responsible for self instead of being either over-or under-responsible. It usually includes learning to take emotionally, instead of always emotionally giving to another. It means giving to yourself the things that you didn’t get enough of in your formative years.

Think of the wonderful things that could happen if you transformed your well-developed “giving to others part” into a “giving to yourself part.” You might find the happiness, contentment, and inner peace that you deserve. Good luck on your journey.

Bev Knox Consulting Firm is a full service consulting company with various departmental components

We are conveniently located in Old Saybrook, CT with branch offices in various cities worldwide.

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